We
leave Weymouth at 3:55 and drive to Bournemouth, getting there at 5:10. We find what we have been looking for: a
long, broad, warm sandy beach. We find
plenty of parking spaces nearby as the crowds have thinned. Lot of kids,
French, Norwegian, Russian or some other east Europeans, even a topless 45-55
year old woman. Thomas goes nude, Mara
topless in her underwear, Robert and Jeffrey both in their shorts; it is lovely
and relaxing. I even bring out the
Hermes towel again! We finally leave at
7:25 and have a spirited ride home, arriving at 10:15.
Tuesday
7 July. Home at Saffron Walden. 12:15
p.m. Unpacking the trunk and
sorting through papers, inventories.
Getting ready to leave.
Cloudy,
after a crystal clear evening last night as we drove up the M-11 to Saffron
Walden from the south. I have just sat
down to write in the middle of packing and cleaning. (I knew Cathy
would return with Thomas as soon as I
sat down! Back late from Waitrose and
horseback lessons.) I thought I would
note some fleeting thoughts over the past few days.
The
precipitating moment for writing this morning is as follows: I was in the garage sweeping, thinking about
packing, recalling that I packed the same way last year, little by little. Each time I packed away all but the
"necessaries." As the week
passed until the next packing, the necessaries became fewer. In other words: each time I packed I was able
to discard more from my immediate needs.
I realize it is only packing, but it shows how we can get used to
things. When we first came over here,
indeed for several months, I used to think, wouldn't it be nice to bring back a
BMW, a Merc, etc. or, best yet, an old right hand drive Jag. Now I think: I hope I do not have to buy a
car for many years, and when I do, I'll buy one of those cheap but nice VW's.
So
I think we've learned to get along with less over here. When we return we will, however, once again
get into the habit of using our "conveniences" again: microwave,
coffee grinder, VCRs, cable TV, etc. and I will soon notice that Brian has a nice new car or Gary
The Easy Way Out. This morning
I was looking through the "Legal Appointments" section of the
"Business Times" (Part II of the paper, which, by the way, split into
three parts while we were here, taking out some from first and putting into
"Life and Times" section, or something like that). As usual, I did not see anything in the Legal
Appointments for American lawyers (in contrast, lately there have been ads by
U.S. law firms for solicitors). Later,
as I was sweeping in the garage, I had a major insight! It occurred to me for the first time that
perhaps I might be able to understand M. Fridolin, Fr. Van Dorn. I thought, as I cleaned, that by looking
through the "adverts" for legal jobs, a job I don't really want, I am
taking the easy way out. What I want to
do is to be able to support myself by writing, so I can concentrate on the
children and birds and nature and Cathy, all the personal things in life; but
that is very hard! (I have no need to
remind myself.) Perhaps that is how I
came to be a lawyer. It was the easy way
out.
I
was thinking about all of this right after I had been filling out the customs declaration
for our return and thinking about having to pay thousands of dollars in duty. What should I do?? Then this morning the thought came easily:
just fill it out correctly; "do the right thing," and don't give it
any more thought. Perhaps this was a
clue to my thoughts a few minutes later on why Fridolin and Van Dorn said I
took the easy way out. At that time
that's what I did: in the form of thoughtless, smart aleck comments designed to
please my neighbor, entertaining myself with baseball games, music, etc.
I
have also been thinking, since I went to confession last, with Jeffrey in
London, when I had a conversation with the priest regarding temptation,
noticing women (though, as I have told Cathy my--chased out a black lab!--
thoughts rarely, if ever, go beyond just looking. They are very limited fantasies, wondering
what's beneath the clothes, perhaps more symbolic of my desire to see inside
other people more completely than humans are able. I know Cathy, Robert, et al. I cannot ever
know their hidden beings, that must be left to the next life, I suspect, and
that is the one thing of heaven that begins to interest me, especially when I
consider that heaven promises to bring a closer relationship with God, the mind
of all minds!). Anyway, ever since that
day at confession, when I answered my own question by saying, "I suppose
it just takes discipline, doesn't it?" my thoughts have been heading in
the direction of where they ended up this morning regarding talent and
potential.
I
understand a little better now. I have
wondered, worried a lot why these people did not tell me what my
talent/potential was. How was I supposed
to know? And there is some truth to
that, when looking at things from the mind of a young teenage boy.
As
I look back to Fr. VanDorn's class, however (though much of it was spent in a
daze), I remember wanting to learn more about Teilhard and do more volunteer
work. I just never followed
through. It is hard and it remains hard
to figure out what we really want. (It
has taken me over 20 years to figure out where I fit in, though I am not
concluding that I have solved my problems, only that I have recognized to a
better degree what others saw in me, and realized that, while sometimes it is
hard to know what I want, if I think about it, pray about it and just let it
come, it will come.) Harder still is
putting something into action with a singlemindedness of purpose and effort
which I tend to shy away from.
Last
night on the M-way, I was also thinking that I used to pray for wisdom and that
I do feel as if my prayers have been answered.
Somewhere,
sometime in the past few days, perhaps it was also on the drive home last
night, I heard or read that, "he was educated and not much good for
anything, what else was there for him to do but write?" or something like
that. I felt it fit me accurately.
To
conclude this spate of wisdom:
discussing with Cathy at dinner Sunday night, how, in the "old
days", i.e., pre-20th Century, there was much more concern in daily life
with survival. Marriage and children
were important enough that it made sense to marry for worldly success of family
or successors, to marry for money or the prospect of children, things that
might ensure the success of the family; and that love did not necessarily enter
into things. Having a mistress (or the
male equivalent) tended to creep into things as the human emotions constantly
bubble to the surface, requiring the individual to deal with it somehow.
Today,
we have a more serious task facing us than in the old days, because we are no
longer saddled with the continuation of our families/race (at least not in the
same manner as before; saving the planet is extra-family). These days we are faced with the much more
serious task of looking for and finding love, which is why, I think, there are
so many unhappy people. It is much
easier to make a successful physical and material match than a love match!
No More Old Rules. A follow on
thought suggested itself to me, as I sat on the beach yesterday with Cathy, at
Bournemouth, watching the children in the water, at a lovely, sandy beach: Before our times, when marriage or anything
else was important for survival (for example, history and art and education) it
was attended by pomp and circumstance. There
were ceremonies because of its importance.
Society rightly acted tough, placing an emphasis and importance on these
things. Now these once crucial human
activities are not as important.
Why? In marriage because the
human race has managed to survive and increase, and continuing our race is not
as important as it once was. In the case
of art, history and education, perhaps because of the ease with which
knowledge, which we mistake for wisdom, can be ours. We can watch a movie tell us all about
ancient times or life around the world.
We also live in times so much more materially advanced that it seems we
are at the pinnacle of human achievement, and that pinnacle reaches higher and
higher every day, making last year's achievements (let alone last century's)
pale in comparison. So the whole picture
of what has gone before becomes much less important, as today's achievements
are glorified in the daily media.
With
the lessening importance of what were once revered customs, ceremonies, events
in one's life, there has arisen a complete freedom to do what one pleases. The social constraints are off (sex is a good
example of this) and we are no longer beholden to old fashioned rules.
What
does this mean?
It
has its analogy to my own life. I told
the priest, yes I must be disciplined, and I think that is true with our
lives. The church, to take one example,
has treated sex with great respect, knowing the power it can have over us if
unleashed without any rules. The problem
confronting us today is how to deal with our freedoms, how to keep our sights
set on the higher goals we humans are capable of and not, as Fr. Van Dorn once
said, succumb to taking the easy way out.
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